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New Life COTR Wednesday June 13, 2007
BUILDING A MARRIAGE THAT ROCKS
(Instead of a Marriage on the Rocks)
“Foundational Laws of Marriage” Part 2
INTRODUCTION: If we’re going to build a marriage that Rocks we must build our marriage on THE ROCK.
WHO MEETS YOUR DEEPEST NEEDS?
What are your deepest needs?
1. Acceptance-knowing you are loved and needed by others.
2. Identity-knowing you are individually significant and special.
3. Security-knowing you are well protected and provided for.
4. Purpose-knowing you have a reason for living. In the case of Christians, this means knowing that God has a special plan for your life.
Whether you realize it or not these needs have been motivating you throughout your life. THESE ARE NEEDS NOT WANTS.
Who meets your deepest needs?
Whom or what do you seek first to most fulfill your need for acceptance, identity, security and purpose?
What should the correct answer be? - I seek God first and more than anyone else or anything to meet my deepest needs.
John 6:35- “Then Jesus declared, I am the bread of life, He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.”
If you’re going to have a marriage that rocks, you must go to THE ROCK to meet your deepest needs.
Hebrews 13:8- “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
With this in mind, God is qualified to write the instruction manual on marriage.
Genesis 2:18-25 Turn and Read
FROM THE BEGINNING GOD HAD A BEAUTIFUL PERFECT PLAN FOR MARRIAGE. THAT PLAN HAS NEVER CHANGED!
The sound of crashing marriages al around us does not prove that marriage doesn’t work, but only proves that marriages are not be built on a SOLID FOUNDATION!
If we reject God’s Word and His plan for marriage then they won’t work.
If we dedicate ourselves to learning and following God’s plan for marriage, we will begin to experience the security and fulfillment we have desired.
TRANSITION: So we’re going to look at a small portion of scripture from Genesis 2 and discover God’s Foundational Laws of Marriage!
Jesus used these scriptures when talking to the Pharisees after they confronted Him concerning His views on divorce. Matthew 19:4-6
Also the Apostle Paul quoted these scriptures in his instructions about marriage to the church at Ephesus. Ephesians 5:31
THESE TWO VERSES GIVE US THE FOUNDATIONAL LAWS OF MARRIAGE. THEY ARE LIFE-CHANGING AND MARRIAGE SAVING!
Genesis 2:24-25(NAS)- “For this cause a man shall leave his Father and Mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
GOD’S FOUNDATIONAL LAWS OF MARRIAGE
Your marriage has a 100% chance of success if you keep these laws!!
I. THE LAW OF PRIORITY
Genesis 2:24(NIV)- “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother…”
God designed marriage to operate as the second most important priority in life, coming next to your personal relationship with Him!
If we put marriage in any position of priority other than the one God has instituted, the marriage does not work!
Many of us have misplaced priorities and that’s what has caused much of our problems in marriage!
Our priority list should look something like this:
1. God-seeking and serving Him personally
2. Spouse
3. our children-if you have any
4. Church-seeking and serving God together with His Body
5. Extended family and special friends
6. Work and Career
7. Hobbies and other interests
TRANSITION: The Law of Priority if followed will help you have a successful marriage.
II. THE LAW OF PURSUIT
Genesis 2:24(NAS)- ….And shall cleave to his wife…”
“I just don’t love him or her anymore. I guess we must have made a mistake when we got married.”
Have you ever heard those words before? One of the misconceptions about marriage is “that if I marry the right person the emotions will be there naturally and effortlessly. If I had the perfect spouse I would wake-up every day and shout hallelujah.
If my emotions have changed towards my spouse, if I don’t feel the same I must have married the wrong person. (That’s what the devil says)
THE DEVIL WILL TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD’VE MARRIED SO AND SO. YOU KNOW, THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HILL!
If the grass looks greener over there it must be time to water your own yard!!!
The reason the grass looks greener over there is because you can’t see the poop from here!!!
Statistics tell us that every time a person remarries their chances for divorce go up 10%.
*****God wants you to understand that through the LAW OF PURSUIT you can stay deeply and romantically in love with your spouse for all your married life.
****For some God is going to restore the love you have now lost for your spouse!
“AND A MAN SHALL CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE…”
If we’re going to understand the LAW OF PURSUIT we must understand the word CLEAVE!
Cleave- “to pursue with great energy and to cling to something zealously.”
So when God told man to “cleave” to his wife he was telling the man to pursue her and energetically cling to her for the rest of his life.
From the very beginning God has known the secret of staying in love-WORK!
MARRIAGE ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU WORK AT IT!!!!
What causes a marriage to slide downward is the lack of work. Taking one another for granted and trying to “coast” through life on the sled of past memories and events creates an inertia that causes a slide backward.
Whether we express it or not, most of us believe that if we marry the right person, we should not have to work at the relationship to stay in love. IT SHOULD JUST HAPPEN!
Many of us have been affected by an incorrect and deceptive view of love and marriage, mainly by Hollywood!
THE WORLD, HOLLYWOOD DOES NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO TELL US WHAT LOVE IS!
Think back to your first date with your spouse. How hard did you work at impressing your date? How much time did you spend preparing yourself physically?
How much energy did you exert trying to please your date trying to impress each other?
This shows that it is not simply chemistry that caused your relationship to be so satisfying at the start! It also involved a lot of hard work!
One normally works very hard at a relationship until one is secure in the love of the other person.
When the relationship seems secure, one gradually reduces the effort and begins to take it for granted.
That point marks the beginning of the end of the deep feelings and strong attraction that characterized the initial stages of the relationship.
For the rest of your life you must work every day at your marriage for it to be rewarding and healthy.
WHEN YOU STOP WORKING AT IT, IT WILL STOP WORKING FOR YOU!
In many ways, marriage is like the muscles in our bodies. When we exercise them regularly, our bodies become strong and attractive.
When we lie around and do not exercise our bodies become weak and unattractive. The more we lie around, the less we feel like exercising, and the weaker our muscles become.
“EXERCISE” IS THE KEY
It doesn’t matter how out of love you are today, if you will begin to work at your relationship, you will soon see the resurrection of feelings and experiences that you thought were gone for good.
Regardless of how you feel don’t allow your emotions to lead you to wrong decisions. Even if you have bad feelings toward your spouse your feelings can change as you obey God’s Command to “CLEAVE.”
If you divorce right now, you could possibly remarry. When you do you will work hard to win that new spouse.
Once you’ve remarried the new and excitement of the new relationship will wear off! And you’ll be in the same boat as before!
Wouldn’t it be simpler to begin again with the one you have now! What not go ahead right now and commit to the hard work to renew your relationship.
You are going to have to commit to it sooner or later if you ever hope to have a happy marriage. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you need to do today!
(The story of the man marrying for the eighth time)
(The story of the divorced woman who lost weight)
****Why is it that we will work so hard to impress total strangers but will not work at all to please the ones we have vowed before God “to love and cherish” for the rest of our lives? ******
Pastor, I know it’s wrong, but I’ve been having an affair. I’ve never experienced such great love in all my life! We get along so well. I have never felt this way about anyone!
SO IT MUST BE GOD’S WILL! I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN EVER BE SATISFIED WITH MY SPOUSE AGAIN!
Affairs are always wrong in God’s sight, and they are destructive!!!
IT doesn’t matter what good feelings you are having or how valid you think it might be, AFFAIRS ARE NEVER GOD!
Get smart! Sin never solves any problem; it simply breeds newer and bigger ones.
No matter the state of your marriage today, if you will work hard at loving your spouse and meeting his or her needs, you will begin to see a big difference in you marriage. THE RESULTS WILL BE INCREDIBLE!
THE LAW OF PURSUIT!!
DECIDE RIGHT NOW THAT YOUR SPOUSE IS THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU AND BEGIN TO WORK AT THE MARRIAGE THROUGH PRIORITY AND PURSUIT!!
Maybe you’re at that stage where you’ve lost those feelings and desires to be with your spouse.
God has a three-step plan to restore the first love of your relationship. This is a guaranteed method, because it is found in the Bible.
Revelation 2:4,5(NIV)- “…You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
Here we find the three step plan Jesus gave the Ephesian Christians for the renewal of their fervent love for Him!
The same three steps will heal and revive the love of any couple.
1. Remember the height from which you have fallen.
When we were new Christians we were willing to do almost anything to serve Christ. However as time goes on, other things begin to compete for our attention.
If we give in, and most of us do, we find ourselves cooling off toward God.
Most people think this is just a necessary “maturing” that every Christian must experience.
On the contrary Jesus called this the sin of “losing your first love for Him.” HE KNOWS WHY WE LOSE IT TO, WE STOP WORKING AT THE RELATIONSHIP!
Jesus didn’t say to work up some kind of an emotion to restore your first love. He knows it is a decision of the will.
Love the Greek word “agape”- “a commitment to do what is right for someone else regardless of emotions.
God’s standard of love is to act in someone’s best interest regardless of how you feel.
If you always do what you “feel” like doing, your life will be a vicious cycle of pain and confusion.
When you make the decision to do what is right regardless of how you feel, your life will be blessed and secure.
Knowing this Jesus told the Ephesians to “remember” the place from which they had fallen.
He wanted them to recall their actions at the beginning of their commitment to Him when their love was so intense.
HE DID NOT TRY AND GET THEM TO REMEMBER THEIR FEELINGS; HE WANTED THEM TO REMEMBER THEIR ACTIONS.
Remember how you so honored the other person and was sensitive with your speech.
Remember how you did little things to impress the other person.
Remember how both of you thought of each other all day and anticipated and prepared for you times together.
TRANSITION: Remember the actions your first love was built upon then you are ready for step two.
2. Repent
Repent- to turn around or do an about face.
We must change directions in order for our marriage to be healed.
After remembering the fervent actions and right attitudes you displayed at the beginning of the relationship, you are to change any actions and attitudes currently being displayed that are different than those at the beginning.
TRUE REPENTANCE INCLUDES THREE INGREDIENTS.
a. Acknowledging the truth. b. admitting you are wrong c. adjusting your direction
TRANSITION: Remember the actions your first love was built upon, then Repent
3. Do the deeds you did at first.
Note that Jesus requires no emotion from us. He simply said act the way you did when the relationship was young!
Invest your time and energy in the relationship, regardless of how you feel in the process. Joy will come when the work is done!
WE MUST STOP LISTENING TO OUR WOUNDED EMOTIONS AND OBEY THE WORD OF GOD!!!
God’s Word is true. Cleave to your spouse and work at your relationship and the problems will become less and less and your blessings will grow larger and more enjoyable!
It all depends on your willingness to obey God’s command to “cleave to your spouse.”
If you make the decision to pursue your spouse with energy and diligence, you will quickly find it is a labor of love to which you become addicted.
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE TRUTH THAT MARRIAGE WILL BECOME GETS STONGER AND MORE SATISFYING WHEN YOU DO IT GOD’S WAY!
Proverbs 14:23- “In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.”
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Foundational Laws of Marriage, Part 2: The Law of Persuit - Pastor Kenneth Woolf
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Healthy Relationships, Part 1 - Pastor Kenneth Woolf
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New Life COTR Wednesday May 23, 2007
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
INTRODUCTION: In a couple of weeks we’re going to be focusing on having a Healthy Family.
We’ll begin with the marriage. “Do you want a Marriage that Rocks, instead of a Marriage on the Rocks?”
Life is all about relationships. But countless people are in relationships that need a miracle. Every day we see shattered relationships. Husband and wife, parent and children, sisters and brothers, neighbors and co-workers who aren’t talking to each other, church members who don’t like each other.
Many people are settling for mediocre relationships! Relationship pain continues to grow in America.
Relationships we’re designed by God! It’s a God idea. We were all created with the capacity, with the desire, with the need to have healthy relationships.
You and I will never fulfill our God-Given dreams outside of healthy relationships.
Very seldom do you see anyone who doesn’t want to be connected to others. To love and be loved, to share dreams and hopes, to be valued.
Everyone longs for emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness and intimacy with others. Where does that longing come from? God created us for relationships! How do we know this, let’s go back to the beginning.
Genesis 2:15-25- Turn and Read .
Adam was the first person created. He must have felt in harmony with God and the creation. He had an intimate connection with both.
The Garden of Eden was a true Paradise, a safe place to exist. There was no war, famine or natural catastrophes or sin.
God gave Adam everything he needed: work to do, a close relationship with his Creator, everything he needed to take care of himself.
YET GOD SAID, “IT’S NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE.”
God had also planted deep within the man the desire for an emotional and physical connection, a bonding of the inner spirit, an intimate attachment of the soul called human relationship.
God created woman and the tow became one flesh and enjoyed the Garden of Eden TOGETHER!
They had relationship with one another and with God!
Yet they sinned and disobeyed God and when God questioned them about their sin Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the devil. Neither was willing to take responsibility!
Their relationships were shattered. With God and with one another.
TRANSITION: From this story we learn about what it takes to have healthy relationships.
Three things you must understand if you’re going to enjoy healthy relationships.
1. You are made for relationships
2. You are made with the capacity to choose
3. You are made to take responsibility for yourself
Understanding these three things can revolutionize your life and your relationships.
First thing we need to really understand:
I. YOU ARE MADE FOR RELATIONSHIPS
“Sometimes I feel that I can’t live with her, and yet I know I can’t live without her.”
How often have you heard that said? There’s a reason for that, you were made for relationships. Even when they’re hard and difficult and just plain frustrating. IT’S THE WAY YOU’RE WIRED!
You and I have a longing to belong to someone, to be wanted, cherished for the valued person you are.
Relationships are not an option. From the moment you’re born you’re in a relationship with your parents. Soon you have relationships with brothers, sisters or friends. Then you have relationships in the work-place and develop close friends.
Eventually someone develops a relationship with someone they deeply love.
When a relationship becomes difficult or painful, we tend to dismiss the relationship and may for a while try to abandon all relationships. But eventually we come back and seek connection once again.
While we can choose HOW we’ll participate in relationships, we have no choice about WHETEHR we will participate in them. This is a critical point.
Your only real choice is whether you will work to make your relationships healthy, or whether you will hinder them or enhance them.
You are made for three kinds of relationships. 1. With others- 2. With yourself- 3. With God.
(GIVE DRAWING ILLUSTRATION)
Each of these relationships is not only important but they are all interrelated. If one of these relationships is out of balance the others will be as well.
1. You have a relationship with others.
You are created for relationships with others. But what are your relationships like?
Are they strong, satisfying, nurturing, respectful, and exciting? Or are they disappointing, strained, distant, painful and frustrating? You probably have some of both.
How about the woman on her third marriage? I left him because he had problems. I left the second one because he had problems too. He was better than the first but he had problems.
Now the third husband, he’s got problems too but he’s better than the first two.
THIS IS NOT UNCOMMON. THE PROBLEM WAS HIM! It’s the same game that’s been played for thousands of years
Adam blamed eve and Eve blamed the serpent. Pointing to the other person as the source of the problem!
Do you hear yourself making similar statements about your troubled relationships? DO YOU SEE PROBLEMS AS THEIR FAULT?
This will help you have healthy relationships.
It’s never just about the other person!!!
The problem you have with another person is often the problem you have with yourself.
Usually the pain that another person causes you is coming out of a fear or insecurity you have about yourself.
The problem is how you see yourself. The problem is how we react to what others say or do to us. It’s never just about the other person.
If all you do is place the responsibility for the problems on the other person you’ll continue to have problems with relationships.
Only when you recognize your own responsibility will you begin to find a way out of the problem.
TRANSITION: You were created for relationships. A relationship with others.
2. You have a relationship with yourself
If you’re going to have successful relationships you’ve got to understand the value of having a good relationship with yourself.
Do you have a healthy dynamic relationship with yourself? Are you on good terms with you? Do you think of yourself as important? Do you like yourself? Do you take care of yourself?
There is a big difference between people who think healthy about themselves and those who do not!
Our behaviors and how we think about ourselves affect our relationships with other people.
Psalm 139:14- “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
In all your relationships you must put yourself in the picture. You suddenly have a perspective of your relationships with others.
One of the things you immediately notice about people who have a healthy relationship with themselves is that they take care of themselves.
Their bodies, their minds, their emotions, and their spirits.
Again you must look at yourself through the camera lens. Many are afraid to do that because of what they might see.
TRANSITION: You were made for relationships. A relationship with others, a relationship with yourself and if you’re going to look at yourself and others with the right perspective you need this third relationship
3. You must have a relationship with God
Your most important relationship is with God, the source of all life.
The key to healthy relationships is to understand that we are wired to a direct connection to God.
Remember how we have the tendency to focus on others when we’re having relationship problems.
But we understand now that we need to put ourselves in the picture.
BUT NOW WE SEE GOD MADE YOU FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIMSELF.
He offers you love, acceptance, forgiveness, value, growth, satisfaction, and honor.
He equips you with everything you need for a meaningful life and satisfying relationships.
He offers you life to the fullest!
John 10:10-“….Jesus came to give us live and live more abundantly.”
We were made for relationships. A relationship with others, ourselves and God.
Now we begin to look at our relationships like God sees them.
Rick Warren describes how God sees you in his book, The Purpose Driven Life.
“You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature…..Long before your were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first…. He custom-made your body just the way He wanted it. He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality….Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn’t matter whether you parents were good, bad, or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom “you” he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you… God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes. He has a reason for everything he creates….God was thinking of you even before he made the world… This is how much God loves and values you.”
Do you believe that description? Do you believe that God loves and values you? Do you know that you are precious to Him?
Do you believe that He accepts you and forgives you? Are you convinced that you are of great worth to Him.
When you have a healthy relationship with God you can have a healthy relationship with you because you see you as God sees you! When you are healthy with God and you, you can have a healthy relationship with others!
ALL THREE RELATIONSHIPS MUST BE IN BALANCE.
God-yourself-others relationships are all part of the Great Commandment.
Matthew 22:37-39 “Jesus replied, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Our relationship with God is the first and greatest relationship, and our ability to love others is related to our ability to love ourselves.
